Pegwole's tips: How to survive in IT.

Ah the corporate world, where success is measured by how well you can screw people over the worst.
In the corporate world you may start off at the bottom of the Ladder of Success, but we all know what's at the bottom, a few sacks of manure and a box fan. The higher you go the less crap falls on to your shoulders. Pretty soon you are granted a scapegoat known in most cultures as an assistant.
On the island of IT however, you may keep moving up the ladder, but the fan comes with you and it gets bigger and bigger each time. With every step is another bag of manure, and when you get high enough the have other people there to dump it straight on you.

So how do you survive in a place like this? In a place where HR headhunters and Consultants run free?

I'll tell you here's...

PEGWOLE'S IT SURVIVAL BOOK!

1. When dealing with consultants keep spare donuts on hand, they are prone to chase after any thing that moves or disagrees with what they say and they will then attempt to ingest that person or object.

2. You will go from hero to zero in many times a day.

3. As the "tech guy" of your company you will spend countless hours baby sititng old, useless technology. This technology will include things such as Windows 98 and a server that still uses Slackware 1.0

4. Technotards will be drawn to you, then after you give them an answer they will insist it was their idea and they will take credit for it. Most of the time these people are the people higher above you. And yes they have several sacks of manure at their disposal.

5. Avoid MSCEs

6. Use jargon to scare off anyone who could potentially ruin a coffee break.

7. Have at least one sticker of your favorite metal band on your personal laptop, as this will strike fear in to those that dare ask stupid questions.

8. A hunting knife is better than any box cutter around, it also makes a statement ad reinforces the fear.

9. Do not hesitate in hurting anyone who says you need Windows Server 2003

10. Purchase a BOFH excuse calendar

11. Ass Pennies, nuff said.

12. If your boss asks you to fix his digital camera copy all off the photos on it for use as incriminating evidence later.

13. Make friends with the janitor, he knows good places to hide scotch.

14. Find a way to place a webcam in your office and stream it using ustream all day.

15. NEVER work too hard, that way you can never say "well I'm finally done with my work" at which point a boss will hear it and find something new for you to do. Create work for yourself that's rather meaningless and takes a while to do, such as replacing a long length of network cable.

16. On the off chance you actually remember how to do a lot of high level math do not help others with it, the last thing you need is to go form Tech Guy to That Guy Who The People In Accounting Hate.

17. Marketing people are evil.

18. You most likely have access to the emails people send and receive , use this to your advantage. "Oh hey Stacy, how'd the breast implants turn out?" sentences like that are best used in a crowded room and said at a high volume.

OK, this should get you past the first few years, if I think of anything else to add I ill do so.